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Archive for July, 2011

in heaven, i’d have nerdy girls.. lots of nerdy girls..
in heaven, i’d have nerdy girls.. lots of nerdy girls.. avatar

by on Jul.26, 2011, under ramblings

on the weekend i was oddly offered to be hooked up with nerd girls, i quite honestly didn’t know how to reply, but now i think i sort of know what it would be like to be promised 21 virgins as muslims are.

 

woot woot!

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epic..
epic.. avatar

by on Jul.22, 2011, under music i like

polyphonic spree – town meeeting song

kinda pink floydd, very awesome

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so sick..
so sick.. avatar

by on Jul.21, 2011, under ramblings

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWIADZKU9dw

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the adventures of ipad man..
the adventures of ipad man.. avatar

by on Jul.18, 2011, under ramblings

I would argue that there has been an increased number of weirdos on the train lately. I’m not tremendously weird myself but they certainly make me look like the most normal person on planet earth.

IPad man is one of these people. He stands there, clutching his Apple device in his arms while trying to read ebooks, then when the doors open he tries to sneak in the side, to increase his chances at success, he grabs the partially open door and tries to open it faster. Or maybe he’s trying to pull himself through between the door and the people ahead of him. In my recent battle with the fat man and his fat wife, I also thwarted iPad man on the other side of me.

Today, iPad man sat back away from the yellow line untilthe train rolled up, as the train approached, he held his iPad to his chest and leapt across the platform, nearly smashing into me in his effort to be first to the door. He grabbed the handle of the door while the train was still rolling to a stop and walked with the train until it stopped. He yanked hard on the handle, there was the usual delay before the driver unlocked the doors.

IPad man turned toward me, hunched over slightly, protecting his precious door handle from all the other crafty passengers that wanted to take it from him. He looked me in the eye, with a sinister look that only the world’s most fearsome super villain could manage, with a crooked smile and what looked like a lazy eye, our evil iPad wielding super villain, gave me his best mad scientist cackle.

He then surveyed the fruits of his victory, a near empty train carriage. Scampering over to an empty seat, he sat down and went back to his iPad. Probably mumbling something about small victories being the best victories. lol.

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two big fatties..
two big fatties.. avatar

by on Jul.11, 2011, under ramblings

There is this couple that gets on the train in the morning, both quite large, so large in fact that they can’t sit next to each other on the same seat on the train. They even get the late train that gets you to work on the dot of 8:30 so they can get a seat at all. These are the same two fatties that used to get on the train everyday with a 1.25 of coke each on the 6:50 a year or so ago.

They also try line themselves up with where the doors of the carriage will stop on the platform to get on first. Admittedly we all try to do this, except those assholes that push in from the side in front of the yellow line while the rest of us are waiting for the train to stop. Once before the fatties even bumped me out the way with their fat asses when the train stopped directly in front of me.

Well today it seems I had a small victory.

The platform for the late train has changed and the platforms offset a little pushing the train forward 3m or so further than platform 1. Me being the somewhat intelligent young man I am placed myself patiently that little bit further forward to match. The fatties on the other hand with their fat addled brains sat directly opposite where they would wait on platform 1.

As the train slowly rolled up and I saw the look on the fatties faces, I got a small burst of excitement course through my body, as the train finally came to a stop with the doors directly in front of me, a big smile grew across my face. As I reached out to press the button to open the door, I saw a large stubble arm with short fat greasy little digits trying to race me to the same button. Another cheek wave of satisfaction washed over me.

This is when the proverbial icing met the cake, which I’m sure the fatties would have devoured if it weren’t a metaphor for my glee. Mr fatty tried to push in front of me, I saw his head painfully swivel on its neckless base toward an empty seat, a stubble hand motion to Mrs fatty, perspiration dripping from her brow as she was preparing to take those 10th steps to the pair of seats they had spotted.

NOT TODAY FATMAN!

I stood my ground, my legs ready to take the brunt of 300kg of over fed human flesh, the doors opened, Mr fatty shoved his arm in front of me in an attempt to get in first, but as his gut hit the side of the train he couldn’t shove his chubby limb any further in my way.

I walked in casually, the battle won. Then to add the cherry to that earlier icing and cakey goodness, i slowly wandered on up and sat in the seat the fatties wanted. Well, one of the seats. Mrs fatty gave me a death stare and then sat facing away from me, Mr fatty on the other hand gave me a death stare for a whole 5mins! Ooooh. I’m shaking in my boots.

The small victories are always the best.

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dub step..
dub step.. avatar

by on Jul.08, 2011, under ramblings

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHy1E7SkGgU&feature=player_embedded

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wogs stuck in an elevator..
wogs stuck in an elevator.. avatar

by on Jul.08, 2011, under ramblings

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw8soyvhnOI

 

look at these little faggots. one of the things i don’t miss about melbourne.

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oakland maccas..
oakland maccas.. avatar

by on Jul.07, 2011, under ramblings

When I went to America, a friend told me not to stop in Oakland when in San Francisco. He warned me to make sure to keep the windows up, the car doors locked in and to pass through as quick as possible. He said he has learnt his lesson when visiting family in San Francisco recently.

No worries I thought.

When in San Francisco I had planned to head out to Mini Mania in Nevada City which is way out past Sacramento in I guess what would be the San Francisco hills. I had hired a Chrysler 300C, which by the way is the worst car I have ever driven. Quite the shame really as I quite liked them before. Not only was it cheaply built and absolutely gutless, it was poorly maintained and had bald tyres, an unclean interior and I picked it up with only half a tank of fuel!

So driving in San Fran absolutely shit scared as I was in peak hour traffic and no bastard indicated. On the rare occasion that they did, I understood it to mean ‘get the fuck out of my way crocodile dundee! I’m fucking changing lanes and you’re in my god damned way!’

I decided I needed food. I had only 90mins of sleep the night before in Vegas and was already loaded on no-doz and energy drinks to stay awake, which also meant my bladder was about to burst.

The traffic finally died down as I was starting to head out of the inner city and on my way to Nevada City.

I spotted a McDonald’s and pulled in. I walked into the maccas and noticed a dodgy looking guy eyeing me off. He followed me inside and stood behind me back a metre or so. I ordered my meal (which was shit) and sat down to eat. Old mate dodge sat down 2 tables away without ordering, watching my quietly. I ate my food and pretended to enjoy the interior without of the maccas, hoping Mr dodge would leave. After a few minutes I decided I’d pretend to go to the toilet and hope he’d go away. I locked myself in the toilet for a few minutes thinking it was time to move and suddenly the McDonald’s hit me. My gut started to churn in disgust at the filth I’d just eaten.

That’s when I realised how dirty thee toilet was. How the bell was I going to use this thing? No amount of thin toilet paper would wipe down the seat, which was at least cleanish, but still seemed to ooze filth. The toilet was also quite high, impossible to do the girly hover. My gut about to explode I noticed a toilet seat cover dispenser. I pulled out a sheet and it was like tracing paper. I grabbed 3 more sheets. I carefully layered each sheet over the next and tried to sit down, in my urgency the paper seat covers flew everywhere. Gut starting to feel like I was being stabbed with knives I layered the paper again and slowly, gracefully sat my ass on the paper. Success. Relief.

Then came the next problem. For those that don’t know, American toilets start with a full bowl of water and this bowl suddenly seemed abnormally full, along with what seemed the unloading of 3 days of bad food in Vegas it was going to be a difficult job wiping my ass. After a lot of precision wiping, I was ready to leave, I got myself sorted out and after my toilet dramas I had forgotten about dodgy man.

Needing to stay awake I walked into the service station next door to get more caffeinated goodness. That’s when I noticed dodgy man again. I shit my pants. Not literally obviously. I grabbed me drinks, paying for them at the counter, I dashed over to the 300C and fumbled with the key fob to open the door. Dodgy man was getting closer. Fuck! Fuck! Need to lock the car doors! He’s coming straight at me! I locked the door, the car wouldn’t start. Try again, its going! Get me out of here! I lit up the types in a screech of smoke as I reversed out of the carpark and in another burst of noise and smoke I hauled ass onto the highway.

I was safe. Dodgy guy was still in the McDonald’s carpark. I calmed down, taking a sip of another energy drink, I kept my mind on getting my mini parts.

Was it Oakland? Probably not. It was probably all to do with my lack of sleep and excessive caffeine consumption. But if Oakland is remotely as scary as a dodgy guy following a scattered man, I’ll take my friend’s advice and never stop there. Ever.

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ass..
ass.. avatar

by on Jul.06, 2011, under ramblings

I’m on the train in one of the sideways seats near the door, there is a lady leaning against the glass, back to me.

All I can smell is unwashed ass.

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trains..
trains.. avatar

by on Jul.05, 2011, under ramblings

I don’t really understand what’s wrong but no one is sitting next to me on the train. It’s packed and people are standing. Maybe I smell. Maybe I’m too ugly or dodgy looking. Maybe I take up too much space? You know what? I don’t care cause all the people standing are smelly, ugly, dodgy looking people that take up too much space.

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